HOW TO EARN LOVE

...a girl once told me that cat's are superior to dogs because you have to "earn their love". i've always kind of thought that was fucking stupid. first of all, you don't "earn" a cat's love. there's only one way to get something to love you...and that's to fuck with it's head. just like with women. if you see a cat that's really cute and you want to pet it...then just ignore the shit out of it. the cat will think, "what the fuck is up with this guy?...i'm cute as all hell, spent hours licking myself, got my hair just right, ate some nip to get rid of that cat food smell, and this guy thinks he can just ignore me?...well i'll show him a thing or two." then before you know it, the kitten is purring incessantly, all rubbin' on ya and shit, staring up with those "puppy-cat eyes". is that earning love? hell no! that's just being smart in the way's of love. there's a distinct difference. but what happens when you just go and try to pick it up and cuddle it? that bitch will frost up faster than a piss stained alleyway in the midst of an alaskan winter. trust me...i know...i've cat sat before, and it's fucking easy. another way to get a cold kitty's love is simply just to starve it for a few days. let it know whose boss. but have fun with the process. when the cat isn't looking, switch the inside plastic bag of cat food with something nice like cheerios. pour the cereal into the cat's bowl (let the cat see you do this) and when it comes running for it's food for the first time in days...pick the bowl up promptly...sit down on the couch, turn on the tube and enjoy a nice snack of dry cheerios. the cat's obviously so stupid that it'll think that you're eating it's food. see if it doesn't love you then...you'll be the talk of "kitty-town", the center of all it's attention, you'll be the fucking cat's pajamas.
(note: starving cat's for too long can result in sickness and in some cases, even death...but they will love you...they will really, really love you.)