Thursday, June 28, 2007


.one thing to always try to avoid on a date is the conversation in which you have to hypothetically pick super powers. now i know what you're thinking, you're thinking "but matt, i've never been on a date in which i didn't discuss the aspects of hypothetical super powers. it's such a great ice breaker and i'm a giant nerd." i know you idiots, but i'm even a more big eristic nerd and more awkward than any of you will ever be. i'm just trying to tell you the way it is. this seemingly obvious conversation which always comes up on all of my dates is a time bomb waiting to blow any false cool and pretend mystic you've managed to muster in the first place. you need to know that this conversation can be very revealing towards several aspects of ones inner being, giving clues to such things as personality, hair color, and even sexual deviancy.
for example: invisibility. who wouldn't love to be invisible? coming and going as you please, catching small prey for dinner, pushing a younger sibling down the stairs and blaming it on there down syndrome. but your date knows exactly what you'd do if you were invisible. look at her boobies and downstairs parts. sample the goods before desert even comes out. invisibility equals pervert.
the gift of flight...a no brainer right? wrong. you're thinking about flying around with the birds in absolute freedom, breathing in of the clouds, stopping global warming. but your date is thinking other wise. she can totally picture you robbing the astronaughts of there space bucks. and you'd be smart to do it too, you can get a dollar seventeen for mars money down here on earth. sleazy thinking dirt bag. you're just another flyboy gone bad in her eyes.
"what about super sonic speed?" you ask. dude, guys finish way too early enough as it is. try pleasing a woman when you shoot in your pants moron. god! who are you anyway? reading this shit right now. obviously a dumb-dumb face if you thought super sonic speed.
the only real answer to even possibly give would have to be fresh breath. what? what did you just think? not a super power? try telling that to your new arch nemesis stank-tooth. plus you end up saving a ton of money on tic-tacs.

WRITERS NOTE: and you people wonder why i don't have a girl friend. 'cause this is the shit that goes through my mind at an alarming rate every single minute of every single day. super powers? where do i even get this shit? could you deal with it? i certainly can't. i mean seriously, this is what happens when i start sitting down at the ol' puter (that's slang talk for "com-puter"...get it? probably not...idiot). when is this going to stop? love you all, matt.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My super power would be one of two things and I still can't decide which it would be. One being able to have the ability to travel back in time wherever and whenever I felt like. Think of all the people I never got to meet just because they're all dead. Doesn't quite seem fair. Then methinks, what if I got so wrapped up in meeting all these awesome dead people that I stopped hanging out with all the awesome alive people and wasted my life in the past? would it be a waste? Another super power would be the ability to speak every language fluently so that I could communicate with absolutely everyone with no language barriers to hinder me. Then I could certainly meet millions of awesome alive people. It's still a really hard fucking decision... Are those even super powers?