...i guess a blog is as good of a place as any to do some simple bitching and whining. and although it feels shallow and wrong to complain considering my life, i suppose everyone needs a good vent from time to time. just as long as you readers understand i have no right doing it, being brought up right (for the most part), with an amazing family and a silver spoon so far away from my ass i had to shove it up there out of curiosity more than anything...and even then, in all honesty, i had to borrow a silver one from a friends house. with that disclaimer being said, let the bitch-ass-pouting begin...you spill the milk and i'll start the crying.
i've been having trouble as late trying to balance myself...or my thoughts for that matter. it's always been a struggle with me and is something i've grown to deal with rather than pretending it might be something that even could be fixed or cured all together. the way in which my mind works is part of who i am and i have certainly come to terms with that fact. but it's also a condition that i wouldn't wish on a snake. it's hard to describe...
my brain works fast. and when i say fast, i mean almost stupid fast. it's truly maddening at times. it won't shut up...at home, on the street, while i'm working, reading a book, listening to music, watching a movie, talking to a friend, playing the jukebox (sorry laura). IT JUST WON'T STOP. it's almost as if it doesn't belong to me to begin with...as if i could take it out and set it on the table and still be a normal person with regular thoughts and complete cognitive function. i guess i should clarify "regular thoughts" so that i don't sound like a mad man. it's not that i have irregular thoughts, or that they're dark and disturbed (excluding, of course, those blog entries which are nothing but "dark and disturbed"...they were suppose to be funny) it's just that all these things are going by at the same time at unimaginable speeds. and lately it's been getting worse...for example: when i go to talk someone new i either come across as a lobotomized freak barley able to form a complete sentence, or some mensa ridden prick on a soapbox talking down to everyone. neither one is actually me. working at the bar seems to help...trading in real conversations for quick flirtatious comments, but even then, the entire time i'm speaking consists of a completely separate and often times more clever response that would fly over the persons head if verbalized for real.
i've also recently noticed it in my poetry as well. those two extreme sides tugging at the middle. either my writing begins to rhyme (something i've never done before) or the free verse is so incredibly free it turns into a cryptic prose that sounds amazing but comes from a place so close to me...only i know what i'm talking about. here's an example.
stop the change
to darken streetlights up,
negotiate only once
with each type of beauty.
the air turns thick and sap like up,
with a backwards view of consumption.
a smile gets stifled in the giving...
the process of a sidewalk
mumbling softly to a shoe.
everywhere i've been gets reminded
heads turn swift on dimes
a sycamore from realizing
it's been paid
minimum wage. and i'm
so very sick of trying
i fail upwards,
a new promotion...with each one of my mistakes.
sounds great doesn't it? could you tell what the fuck i was talking about? didn't think so. anyway, i'm sure i'll figure it all out...self medicate in the garden, hide myself behind a pen or a tiny canvas. i'll find the balance the way i always do...but in the mean time...please forgive me for acting weird, talking fast or not at all. give me a hug when you see me next and i'm sure i'll be okay.