dear matthew j,

seeing how you've asked me several times if you could post my letters to you on your blog and have always been rejected, i thought, "hey, i'll just write you one that you can post." not that you have to (it might turn out to be an awful letter, i did just start writing it) but you have my permission if you want to. just don't use my name okay? who knows what kind of whack-jobs read that thing. i should know right, i'm certainly one of them, what does that say about the thing?
first of all, i'd like to thank you for your kind words towards me and for sharing the fact that you think i know you better then anyone. it meant a lot to me considering how you're one of the most complex people in the history of the universe, i took it as a compliment. just as long as you know that by 'complex' i mean 'boring' and by 'universe' i mean 'apartment'. which isn't really fair seeing how i've never met your roommates. perhaps it's just safer to say that i find you pretty damn cool, just don't let it go to your head.
as for your problems with the panic attacks and your refusal to take pills, i can't really help you there. i'd love to tell you to stop hanging out around so many people but i secretly know that you don't hang around with anybody and actually don't have any friends at all (you know what i mean). so what should you do? i don't know. just keep on keeping on. i do find it hysterical that you could address the entire population of this planet from behind a microphone or a bar or on a stage without so much as breaking a sweat, but freak out at a table with my friends without 17 jack and cokes. i don't mean to pick on you so much matt but it's ridiculous. ted always refers to you as the introverted extrovert and it makes me laugh.
since you didn't mention any trouble with the girls in your last letter i can only assume that all is well on that front. and by that i mean totally fucked as always. how are you not married yet? or at least with someone? dating for christs sake? (my mom would kill me, lords name in vein) is it still that #!?!%$# girl again? the one who couldn't comprehend that the greatest guy on earth just gave her his heart and she was too fucking stupid to know what to do with it? when are you going to get over that shit sweetie? it's been years right? it's time to move on mr. marro, she's obviously not as great as you thought she was. and the next time i come to burlington you'll have to remind me to kick the shit out of her. you're a catch matt and you know it. now don't let that adorable head of yours get too too big, but the last time you came down to visit both teressa and molly thought you were hot, smart, and funny as all hell. and they're right, because you are (after 17 jack and cokes of course). and let me tell you something about women...that's all you need to get them. so start getting back out there and get yourself one. you know that i would do you myself if it weren't for the hubbie. but he is leaving next weekend and if you want to come down...just kidding. not about the fucking you thing, but about ted leaving next weekend. but he likes to watch anyway, so maybe there's a chance.
anyway, i'm on my lunch hour and have to get back to work so i have to wrap this up. i love you so much sweetie. keep smiling and things will work out for you soon, i promise. let me just leave you with some quick thoughts and tips to catching the future bride:

1.) get over moron girl, she doesn't know what she's missing.
2.) stop being so picky, not everyone is as wonderful as me :)
3.) stop lying your ass off on dates. just because you and i find it hysterical when you tell people that you race dirt bikes, it doesn't mean that she will.
4.) when you actually find someone that you like, you have to stop spoiling them rotten. most girls get scared when they're treated like royalty.
5.) you have the biggest heart in the history of the world. seriously, you know you do. the thing must be gigantic. remember, hardly anybody gets your sense of humor at first. i myself fucking hated you for like a year straight in high school until you ran in front of the car to save the neighbors cat. girls won't get the chance to see that kind of stuff if you start talking about jews and killing babies with a perfectly straight face. so you might want to turn it down a notch. at least at first.

okay, my hand hurts and my writing is starting to get sloppy. i'm done now.

i love you matt,

#$!*&%?